THE PROBLEM OF PLENTY

There has always been a tingling feeling to figure what would have happened if the choices made in life were different.

What if I would have chosen to be a writer and not an RJ? What if I would have chosen a career option in Pune and not stayed back with my then boyfriend? What if I wouldn’t have gotten hitched the time I did? What if?

The questions never cease to exist because the choices we make never seem to be just right or completely wrong. At least in my life barring a few erratic ‘in-love’ situations I can very comfortably say that life has never been a complete and perfect plus or minus.

There have been choices and there have been thoughts. I guess somewhere it is good to explore both in comparison and context of each other. Life becomes a lot more interesting and you look forward to it and the challenges of the choices a lot more.

One is called the free will and the other is karma. Both have their respective consequences. The former is in the present life and the latter could be from the past life or the current. Whichever way it turns out, our attractions, our inherent likes or dislikes are all due to this one mind and one heart.

Mind seems to have that extra id which works on its own and man has no control on it. Heart seems to clearly follow the path less travelled, clearly steering away from logic and judiciously following the ‘gut feel’, ‘the hunch’. There are people who we meet the first time and dislike instantly. Guess what? Sooner or later we realise that the relationship with that person never turns out to be healthy. Now whether that is the past life connection, strained heart strings or just the mind reflecting the feeling and hence logically taking the relationship forward... i don’t know!!! What I do know is that there is much more to the brain than meets the eye and far more mysteries and realms of life to explore than what the heart can fathom.

My many instant connections and lovely bonds can completely be credited to my beautiful ‘first time likes’. My relationship with my doctor cum nutritionist is one such fantastic bond. Our journey as friends (or god knows what bond that is!) just continues effortlessly. We don’t need to call each other all the time but whenever we speak, we do with a lot of clear hearted affection which is devoid of any expectation. To think that we just met at a radio show and took to each other immediately makes me realise that the heart also makes brilliant choices which somehow turnout perfectly (well!!! Most of the times). What if I would have chosen to keep my distance and not bother about this one time meeting?

As i said before, I love to ponder in my own journey of choices and endeavour to classify them under mind and heart and I can very easily say now that life has not been easy on choices... ‘the problem of plenty’ bothers the mind as much as the heart J

COLORS!!

Colors!...They express so much. They reflect the light into our dull lives, they are the birds of our imagination and they take us where we have never been. I wonder why it is such so cleansing to be able to just play with colors?

Well, in reflection there is just so much that evokes so many emotions in us in a day; as if we were the canvas on which our heart paints many colors of emotions. The result most often than not, is not conclusive like a portrait but it is streaked, all over the place abstraction.

No wonder, I think there is a lot more fun in abstract than clear defined figures on a canvas. A background covered with many directionless beautiful colors is far more inspiring. They give you a piece of life really! on one hand, they are hope, they are fun, they are many prayers put together and then on the other they are dejection, jealousy or tears of failure and loss as well.

Whichever way they come, playing with these colors on canvas is complete catharsis!!. It is meditation which invariably concludes into a still mind. It is life that finds its own course just like the many colors coming together to find a unique expression on the canvas.

There is a lot of ‘me time’ that I spend in reveries of what be the ‘it’ way to really ‘live’. With the tying down chores of life I perpetually find my stream of consciousness running awry into a flood of so many thoughts that I drown in it. There seems to be no way out because thinking from the heart does pose detrimental in the ‘rat race’. Frankly the vivid and brilliant forms of yoga have not helped (or may be i didn't try too hard!). Neither has there been a possibility of calm when I sit still concentrating on my nostrils. It’s just not me.

Nonetheless, the tryst with meditation has gotten me to realize (yet again!!) that one thing which purges me is the burst of colors. I feel them in my hands, put them on the white bare canvas and feel free. The canvas is like that one slice of my life that has no obligations to fulfill, nothing to worry about and no rules to follow.   

The joy of seeing a painting unfold is inexplicable. That feeling is not just the creation but the process that it has involved to conclude into a beautiful art piece. Every time, I complete a painting it is a completion of the purgation process; it is the final ‘tangible’ product of my innumerable emotions; it’s a release of that energy which if not used makes me feel wasted and just so worthless. It is the gift that gives me the courage to cut the strings and be the free radical that I always wanted to be…a spirit whose destination is defined by the roads it travels.

Care for some abstract painting anyone?